Me/We

For the longest time I’ve had a habit of putting the needs of others before my own - and it’s not in some grandiose way. It’s in the things that don’t seem big, but add up over time, the incremental slip that’s barely noticeable until you’re already over the edge.

It’s in the way that I’m terrible at sticking to things I plan for myself in my own calendar, because if someone needs or wants something that I can help them with, I’m more than happy to steamroll myself. It’s in the way I keep quiet when things upset me, but open myself up to undue criticism without a second thought. It’s in the way I offer sound advice to those around me, whilst ignoring it for myself.

I’ve had this nagging agitation a lot recently, a frustration I couldn’t quite put my finger on, but it only struck me once I had this realisation a couple of weeks ago: I’ve been on my journey to release new music for 18 months, and I’ve managed to stretch out what should have taken only 3/4 months into a year and a half. How did that happen? And more importantly, why?

These new songs are amazing -

the best I’ve ever written, and I’ve produced or co-produced them all.

They’re songs I’m still proud of even nearly two years after the first was written; they make me want to sing, dance, and cry just the same way they did on the day I wrote them. But there’s always this tiny wee voice inside, somewhere at the back of my mind, one that keeps trying to convince me that despite my best efforts, it’s never going to pan out. Which then leads to tiny ripples that affect my thinking, which affects everything I do; after all, “the reality of man is his thought” (‘Abdu’l-Bahá).

If I’m carrying a tiny thought of failure - or lack of self-worth - with me everywhere I go, that thought will influence my every action. An artist wants to work on their record with me on Wednesday? Well, I have time for me to finish my own record that day, but they’ve got a following, a label, and people who believe in them. Someone needs some extra vocals from me on a demo? I could be working on that one song of mine that needs a lot of love, but their song is going to go somewhere.

These thoughts - and (what sometimes seem like tiny) actions - have slowly been killing my project, but I’m so grateful I’m finding a way to snap out of it now. I can’t fix all the time I’ve used up now (and, honestly, I didn’t contribute to some pretty amazing songs, which I would never take back), but I can change how I approach life from this moment. I’ve decided to dedicate the next two weeks to nothing but my own songs, and so far I’ve managed to say ‘no’ a few times. What’s wonderful is the response to those emails and messages where I’ve had to say I’m unavailable have been more than encouraging - and it’s made me realise that the people who are truly worthy of my time and attention will be okay with me taking some time for myself.

So here’s to the next two weeks - two weeks of producing, recording, finalising pictures, and editing the last few things. If you’ve struggled with the same things, please let me know - we can walk this path together.