How I almost became my own worst nightmare
This was hard to write - but necessary.
Trying to be growth-minded is tough. It means constantly finding things in yourself that you realise could or should be better, and then going to work on them; often seeing an issue is just the first step. There’s an issue that I think I’ve been aware of for years, but really just aware of in a peripheral way; nameless, formless, but I could feel it there at all times. It’s followed me for as long as I can remember, and I’ve been thinking lately that if I don’t address it soon, it will come to define me. So here I go.
I’ve been thinking lately that I’ve lived most of my life regarding my own worth and success as in relation to others. What does that mean? Let me illustrate it for you. I started playing music when I was very young, and even got into doing some singing, but never felt brave enough to jump in & be the centre of attention - I felt more comfortable blending into a choir, an orchestra, the ensemble of a musical. I was terrified of screwing up in front of others with no backup. When I was 12 someone suggested I audition for Simba in a production of the Lion King. Not believing I was worth even trying it out, I slid into a dopey side role. I did that a lot.
I don’t think it’s a bad thing to want to be a part of a group and to want a group to work well together, but now that I look back I realise that I used them as ways to hide myself - and the success of a project could help me feel like I was worth something without the constant feeling in the back of my mind of “I have no idea what I’m doing and will never amount to anything”. When I left college I felt aimless. Without the structure of classes and grades, a natural way I could slot myself into something and define my worth by someone else’s standards, I fell apart.
Cue one of the things that I made into a defining moment for me from that point on - but that I really, deep-down knew wasn’t healthy: my creative relationship with Charlie Puth. I need to firstly let it be known that I genuinely feel like we had a foundation for a fun, engaging friendship, but when we met he already had a pretty hefty and dedicated fanbase, and I again threw myself into the role of sidekick. His success could be mine as well. I became his co-writer for a time, I filmed videos for him, helped him pick out new equipment - and we played on national TV together. This whole time I was thinking “this is it! I’ve found my place and my way to success”. And by success I really just mean a better sense of self-worth. Name-dropping that whole episode gave me a sense of accomplishment - we did achieve some amazing things together, but it was really Charlie’s path that I was walking on.
Post-show with A Great Big World
Then when I moved to the Bay Area I started gunning for opening act slots as a way to develop a name and a following. It just so happens that I fell in love with a (then) little-known band called A Great Big World. Seeing they had a show coming up near me, I offered to open. I got the gig, which wasn’t expected to be a big thing at all. Then their collab with Christina Aguilera happened, and suddenly that small show was sold-out. Playing that stage to a sold-out audience gave me such euphoria. It didn’t matter that they weren’t there for me, I was able to simply bask in the feeling of engaging with a packed venue already primed for a good time. After the show I talked to the band - who are some of the nicest people I’ve ever met - and in the heat of the moment I blurted out that I wanted to open for them on some more shows. In their excitement they encouraged it - until their manager shut the whole idea down. Again, there I was, so into the idea of riding someone else’s wave.
Once I moved to LA I fell in with a beautiful creative crew - we wrote some amazing songs, and went on to have two massive cuts together. There I was yet again thinking “okay, THIS is it! These are my people, this is the path, we’re going to rise together and all be successful together as a crew!”. Imagine the hit to my self-esteem when that didn’t work out. People eventually go separate ways, and because I’d tied my self-worth to a group identity it was shattered as we moved apart.
It was about this time that I began to think “I really don’t want to be that guy who, when he’s 60, is always harping on about his successes from decades ago, and is jaded about how it never quite worked out for him”. That was my nightmare. Yet here I was slowing becoming the thing I feared becoming the most. All because I was letting fear take the wheel - not love.
It started happening again recently, and for the first time I think I was able to stop myself momentarily and see it. The next step was doing exactly what I’m doing right now - processing it, writing it out, really thinking about why I’m like this. Why so much of my messaging for years has, in one way or another, felt like it exudes a lack of worthiness. Why my actions, often leading to self-sabotage, keep following this pattern.
This isn’t perfect. It’s just a start. But I’m about to embark on a new chapter, and I can’t bring that old baggage with me. Now is the time to define myself within my own space. It doesn’t mean I can’t turn to other people or find solace, joy, or excitement in a group project, but it does mean that I need to make sure that my worth is not tied to those spaces. I am more than my past; I am more than my trauma, my disappointments, and my let-downs. I’m more than someone else’s success, and I am enough to walk my own path. One step forward is all it takes.